I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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