id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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