I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
