he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
