I accidentally burped into my bong.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
