Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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