i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
