so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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