you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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