My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
