If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
