She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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