how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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