Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
