what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We are two peas in an std pod
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
