Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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