I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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