I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
