you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You were trust falling into bushes
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
