dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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