i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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