shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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