It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
