So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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