I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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