Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
