i dedicated my morning wood to you.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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