Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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