I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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