Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
