Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
false alarm, still single
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
