Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
