Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
