You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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