I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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