Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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