im six kinds of drunk right now
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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