I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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