at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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