Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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