Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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