Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
