Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize