just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
