Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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