She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I smell like Dick and happiness
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