I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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