the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
