Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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