remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
