Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
