is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
