Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
