i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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