Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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