his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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