He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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