You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
