I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
