sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
