theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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