i think my mom watched the whole time
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
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