made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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