I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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