Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
